


Les histoires d'amour finissent mal en general (love stories don't usually end happily)

by Yes_Kassiopeia



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mild Smut, POV Luke, Pining, Retrospective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-02
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-05 14:49:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20490638
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yes_Kassiopeia/pseuds/Yes_Kassiopeia
Summary: After years of silent struggle 5 seconds of summer's front man Luke Hemmings indulge in confessions about the music industry, mental health and love stories that are not always what they seem. Dive into the most sulfurous release of this year and dicover the dark side of the ever shining Hollywood.---Disclaimer---This is a complete fiction, I don't claim to know anything about the boy's real lives. Characters in this fiction stay only character and dont stand for the people they are name after. Don't hate on real people.





	1. The things that happened to me

**The things that happened to me**

Let me start by saying you know nothing. Oh you think you have seen a lot… but it’s nothing, really. It’s nothing compared to the truth. I’m sure you’ve seen the pictures, the videos. I’m sure you’ve read the articles, the tweets. I’m sure you’ve heard the records, the interviews. But that was only what was meant to be seen, read and heard. 

I’ll admit though, that some of you figured out correctly that there was something more. Maybe that was out of genuine interest… or maybe just to satisfy your own fantasies. Some of you imagined, some of you wrote, some of you drew. And yes, of course, we know about that, about the fan art, about the fan fiction, about all that. We know more than we say. More than you think. And probably more than it is decent to confess. 

To be honest, which I’m going to be all along the way here, even our public story, the journey that lead us where we are now, kind of sounds like a tale. We’ve been so unbelievably lucky, and I know that. But I guess it would take some effort to think that the rest is even crazier. What happened behind the closed doors, and that you have never hear about, is the wildest of all fictions. Behind the shiny side of fame and glory, there is whole another part of our lives, silent, secretive and hidden. And that’s what I wanted to talk about. 

I’m not saying that our lives were like the dark or gloomy fanfics that I have seen here and there. I wish I could say that they are more like the cute and happy ones. But I guess by now, you’ve already figured out that they are not. No, the ones that come the closest to the truth are the shitty ones. You know, those that don’t make sense? Where the logic of the plot was thrown out the window? To only leave a chain of overdramatic and incoherent scenes? Yeah… these ones. Sounds pretty much like it. 

Some of those moments were incredibly good. And some painful as hell. In between it’s just a blurry mess. Even if I was there, and now I see the path more clearly, I can tell you it didn’t make sense to me back then. So I’m not sure this very narrative will neither. But, hey! Humans don’t make sense. Life doesn’t make sense. It’s just things that happen. 

So let me tell you, the things that happened to me. 


	2. #1 - #5

** #1 – How we met**

It had not always been crazy. It started with just our common and ordinary lives. And I would add that it was both a blessing and a curse. But I’m glad that I met the boys before the shitstorm, but it’s also why it became so complicated after. 

I would probably say that I was fond of him from the day we met. It’s probably very cliché; but it’s very true. I met Ashton on a Saturday. It was one of _ those _ days. One you remember so vividly, even years after, like your brain already knew it had to remember every single little detail, because it was going to be life-changing.

I was waiting in front of the cinema. I was a bit early, but the people I was waiting for were clearly late. I was getting a little nervous that they stood me up, or played a prank on me. I wasn’t really friends with them, actually, if anything, I didn’t like them. But we were grouped together of a school project. I ended up doing most of the job. And they seemed to only realised it after it was all done… I guessed later was better than never. So they invited me to cinema. And I thought  _ “why not?” _ . After all they were popular people in school, unlike me, so it could be beneficial for my image. I’d like to pretend that I was a cool kid who didn’t care about that, but…yeah I definitely I wasn’t. And I’m still not sure now that I don’t care. Actually… I’m pretty sure I still care a bit too much about what people think of me. 

Anyway, after a couple minutes more, they finally showed up. I was waiting for three people, but four silhouettes came to me. 

“Hey, Hemmings!”

“Wow man, what’s with your sunglasses?”

“Hey, did you think we wouldn’t spot you? Cause seriously no need for a neon sign!”

“Yeah that awful haircut would have been enough…!”

The three that I knew laughed at me, while a was getting redder and redder with embarrassment. Honestly I was regretting my decision to accept this hangout. I was getting enough of that at school, I didn’t need to extend it on the weekends as well. But then, precisely when I was hoping for the ground to crack open and swallow me whole, the fourth guy, the one that I didn’t know by any mean, took my defence. 

“Leave him alone. We should get our tickets.”

The other three groaned but got inside the building. My unknown savior stood by me side, smiling sweetly. 

“Hey don’t listen to them. And don’t worry, I like your glasses. I think they’re cool.”

“Thanks, hum …?”

“Ashton.”

“Thanks Ashton. I’m Luke by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Luke.”

Ashton sat between me and the rest of the group during the movie. I didn’t pay it attention then, but now, I realised it was probably a way to protect me again. All that I remember is that I was talking with Ashton the whole time, almost forgetting about the others who had they own little conversation, and didn’t seem to mind our non-interest. 

I learned that Ashton was a 12 th grade and from another school. Which made him ten times cooler than he already was. I really liked him and I thought we clicked together well. I find myself being sad when we parted way. Even if we exchanged numbers, I knew that I wouldn’t see him again on a regular basis, even if we technically didn’t live that far from each other. I hoped that we could meet again soon though, and that it would still be as nice and fresh to be around him. Yeah… I wanted to see that smile full of dimples again. 

  
  


**#2 – First gig**

We booked a gig for the beginning of December. Actually it was only Michael idea’s rather than anything else. I don’t know how he got that gig, but he did. Even if I wouldn’t have bet on that a couple months before, Michael was really involved in making this thing being us an actual band. And I was thrilled too, I just wasn’t as confident. Probably because sometimes Michael had a twisted sense of priority. Like booking a gig, while we didn’t have drummer to ensure the show. The … “show”. 

We found our first drummer at our school, but to say that there was no alchemy between us, was an understatement. We decided to audition for a new drummer only a week later. But the it didn’t really go well neither. And the gig as coming closer and closer. Two weeks before the date, Michael said he had contacted a guy which was really good, according to him, and that he would come the next rehearsal. It was our fourth attempt at find a fourth member and I was kind of losing hope, but we really needed a drummer, at least for this one gig. 

What was my surprise when Ashton showed up to Michael’s a couple of days later!  _ My _ Ashton. The guy from the movies. Even if we had exchanged a couple of texts since we met, I didn’t know he was the one Michael had contacted. 

Suddenly I was quite nervous to sing in front of him, but thankfully our rehearsal was more of a hangout to start with. We played fifa, as the legend has it, and even if Ashton started on a wrong foot saying he didn’t like the game, an hour later it was clear, to me at least, that Ashton was the going to get along really well with us. 

During the two next weeks, Ashton proved to be a great drummer, a very nice person, and a friendly guy. And then the Annandale Hotel gig happen. So yeah … there was 12 people who actually came for us, one of which was Ashton’s mother. But that didn’t really matter. And I still want to thank these 11 girls who came to the very first 5sos concert. For those who don’t know, the Annandale Hotel had quite a reputation as an underground Sydney stage, but underground was pretty much heavy metal and hard rock, back then. We didn’t fit in, and I still don’t know how they accepted us. But for a bunch of 14 years old girls to step in a room filled with biker-like dudes, it must have required a lot of confidence -in themselves or in us, I don’t know- but I’m still grateful and respectful of that. 

What was even more important than the people who came, was that for us it felt great. I don’t really know how to describe it, so I’ll just say that it felt  _ right _ . The four of us shared something on that stage. For the first time. Little did we know is was going to be our lives later. Though, we were terrible. This gig sucked so much! It’s laughable… But it happened, I’m so glad it did. 

  
  


** #3 - Contract**

Somehow people started to get interested in what we did, Calum Michael and I, and then later with Ashton. Social medias were getting more and more influent over the whole society and the music industry. And that permitted something that was completely new: we had a fanbase before we realised anything original at all. Before we even really described ourselves as a proper band. 

After that first, awful and beautiful gig Ashton joined the band. And he made us took this whole thing much more seriously than we did before. We used to be goofing around during the recording of our video. We used to forget the lyrics. We use to make a lot of mistakes but still post it online. And that kind of pissed Ashton at first. I guess, he was the first one to believe we could make it if only we gave ourselves the means to. Later, he explained that to me, in a different way, from his point of view... 

We started to rehearsal much more and to work harder than ever on our music. Ashton had this driving thing that really took us to another level (figuratively and literally, as he was the only one who has passed his licence). I was really impressed by his leader skills. For a long time, and even now, people has said that I am the leader. It’s not completely wrong. The band would probably have never existed if it wasn’t for me. But it would never be what it is without Ashton.

Yeah, by the way, my fond over him didn’t really passed went he joined the band. Getting to know him better and spending so much time with him only made things worse. But at this time it wasn’t really a problem. I was happy with was I had. The band was basically all I had, but I guess, all I needed too. Taking this seriously and getting ourselves really into this made us escape from the rest, from reality, which sucked. 

We were nearing the end of high school with not a lot of clue about what to do next. Michael’s grades were dropping as he went less and less to school, to the point it was creating some serious conflicts with his parents. Calum had a big decision to make about whether or not to pursue a football player career. Ashton lived with the idea of never having a job he would like, because he couldn’t go to university and didn’t really want to neither, but he had to get a job to help his family. And myself… I was pretty lost. I wanted to believe in this band so bad. Because honestly there was nothing else that appealed me. My mom would have want me to go to university; I guess, she never said it out loud. I probably could have. But I know I wouldn’t have been happy this way.

Sometimes, and I sorry if it sounds pretentious or wrong or whatever, I think that Michael and Calum would have found something else. Mike in the geek field, something to do with video games. And Calum with sport and football. But Ashton and I, we couldn’t escape the music, it was the only thing that made us feel alive.

Thankfully the music gave us a chance. Thanks to our growing social media accounts, music labels and publishers contacted us: Sony and Capitol Records, nonetheless. Honestly that was one big moment of my life. 

** #4 – The good side of social media**

I’m pretty sure that it was because we were so open on social media that we started to be noticed by people all around the globe. We were close to our audience, especially in the beginning because they weren’t numerous, and some of them almost looked like friends. We knew their names, and where they were from, and some other random information. 

Obviously, they started to learn a lot about us as well. We didn’t really mind all that much to delivered private content. I mean not too private, but still. I guess we weren’t as well informed about the protection of ourselves online as we are now. 

And we loved those interactions as much as our fans did. If not more. Yeah… At this time, we loved and thanked the whole concept of social media for what it brought to us. That changed. 

Though I’m not really sure what people saw in us. We weren’t the most talented, nor the funniest. I’d like to think that we were ourselves and that was what worked. But now I came to accept the idea that success is not deserved. It’s just one more thing that happens. And you don’t really know why.

** #5 – The beginning of the eternal summer**

Things were going as good as we could expect for four random dudes forming a garage band in Sydney’s suburbia. We recorded our first EP just after the exams were done at school. For us it was such a huge thing. We worked so hard to prepare this. So much that we ended up sick on the D-Day.

It’s not like Sony was betting so much on us, at this point, which is understandable. So we just had one sound engineer, who clearly had seen better things and wasn’t too thrilled. 

In the end it was just rawest and most low-budget record on earth. 

Yes. I hate it. And I love it too. Because it was the beginning of everything. And you know what they say: you never forget your first. But let be honest it was not good. 

And this thing still got #3 on iTunes. And so we planned a small tour around Australia. And it was booked in 5 minutes. And we planned to tour in New Zealand after. And Hot Chelle Rae, a band we’ve been listening to and admiring, wanted us to open for them. 

Calum and Michael decided to completely drop out of high school, while I kind of wanted to do the same, my mom forced me to go on with correspondence course till I graduated. I guess she wanted me to have some back up plan if music didn’t work out. And I knew she was right. But it still pissed me off a bit. Also she wasn’t too keen on letting me tour with any responsible adult’s supervision. But as long as it was just Australia and New-Zealand, and for short periods of time, she let it slide. 

She didn’t know, and I didn’t neither, that this “Twenty Twelve Tour” was the beginning of my eternal summer, of writing music, playing gigs and touring the world. There was no going back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like it so far. Let me know what you think!  
Lots of Love,  
Kassie <3


	3. #6 - #10

** #6 – Affection**

I guess it’s a bit embarrassing to admit now, but back to when we started to tour, the boys and I felt a bit homesick when we travelled. But at least we had each other. So we tried to be there for each other whenever someone was feeling down. And I got to admit, it was often me. 

Maybe, just  _ maybe _ , I also take advantage of this to become physically closer to Ashton. At this time I was still a bit confused as to why I craved his touch so much. I don’t know if it was to reassure myself or to hide my feelings towards Ashton, but I tried to behave the same with the other boys. As a consequence, we all grew more tactile with each other. 

I’m pretty sure form the outside it just looked like a really cute group dynamic. From the inside, I can tell you, it was mostly because of me. Do I feel guilty? No. I don’t regret anything.

** #7 – The tweet**

Three days after we went back from New-Zealand, all hell broke loose. None other than Louis Tomlinson, form One direction, the most popular boy band of the world, tweeted about us. 

Overnight our social media blew up and our agent suddenly wanted to talk to us, as soon as possible. It changed everything for us. “Out of my limit” was released shortly after and the video received over 100,000 views in a day! 

** #8 – Writing about you**

We were on the way to record our second EP, and this time it was taken more seriously. We also wanted to release our own music. Written and composed by us. Calum and I took the lead in the song writing. Even though we got helped by professionals, like Joel Chapman, Chris Russo, or Feldy, it was still us writing for the first time. Calum was clearly better than me. And ironically enough, he was the one who had the most trouble acknowledging his own talent. 

I wanted to clear my head and pour out my messy thoughts in the lyrics. But it wasn’t just that easy. Especially since I was working with Calum, and I didn’t how to broach that topic with him. Actually I’m pretty sure I both wanted and didn’t want him to know about what was going on inside my head. Which, obviously, was pretty impossible, and out of the two options, I choose the latter. In the end the first time I really wrote about Ashton, it was “if you don’t know”. We never played it live. I didn’t want to. It was for him. But he never understood that.

After the release of “Somewhere New”, we took a trip to London to write music there. I was my first time going to Europe. And I’m not really sure if I was prepared. But my mom made sure to come with us so we would survive. Obviously I wasn’t too happy about it, because I was just a teenager who wanted to live the rock star life already. God knows she made the right decision! We were clearly not ready to live on our own.

We also had a lot of time to spent together in London’s House, because we knew no-one there. Ashton and I were getting closer. Like even closer than before. Somehow. And I’m pretty sure it showed. I can’t tell for sure if the shipping thing started there; but if I had to give a date, I’d say it was then.

I loved those moments. I still have some really fond memories of the time we spent in this house. It was at this time I started to realised what was happening to me. I mean with my feelings for Ashton. And that I could admit he was not just a friend to me. Although I still had trouble to verbalise anything. But I remember all those small touches and this little comments that made my heart bit madly and my cheeks all blushed. 

“You look good” I mumbled.

“YOU look good” he replied immediately beaming.

My hair was in a mess, I was just out of the shower, it was too early for me to be properly active. Let me tell you, I didn’t look good. But if he said so, it would make me smile. Make me feel better about myself, as I was so insecure. 

Then, something just as crazy as usual happened. One direction asked us to open for them for most of their upcoming world tour. Let me tell you that no matter how much my mom protested, I wasn’t going to say no. 

From then, it was just a huge blur of airplanes, arenas, studios and buses. I don’t really know the proper chronology of it all. So I can’t tell you exactly when and where the next things happened. But they did.

** #9 – First time**

At some point my mom left us to live on our own, well more like tour on our own. Even if I was always complaining that she was there, I missed her after she left. For a while we didn’t had an established place we could call ‘home’. Ashton noticed, since he was very protective of me at this time. I’ve learnt later, that my mom had told him to especially take of me. I don’t know if that was cute or dead embarrassing. 

With us free to live our rock star lives as we wanted, the guys started to be a little wilder. Soon enough we had that awkward conversation about girls. And I discovered I was the last virgin of the band. I would slap me for thinking like that now, but back then I felt quite embarrassed by that. I didn’t want to be ‘less manly’ than the other, as I was already feeling not too good about myself. Not than virginity and masculinity are linked by any mean, but back then, I was a little stupid and I thought so.

It hurt me to learn that Ashton had did it with a girl, and that he didn’t told me. No, actually, I was just mad that he did it with anyone. But back then I couldn’t word it like that. In the end I just wanted to lose my virginity to be like the others and to take my revenge on Ash – as if it would change anything for him...! Those were terrible reasons. 

My first time was with a girl I met in a bar, somewhere, after some show. She didn’t come to our gig; she didn’t know me. She was definitely more experimented that me. And she said it was good. But it wasn’t. 

Not for me and probably not for her. 

I didn’t tell anyone. But when another conversation about girls came, I sneaked a comment. I remember the surprised expression on Ashton’s face as he turned his head to look at me. I smirked. As if I was proud of me. No, I was just even more hurt. 

** #10 – Louis**

Calum and Michael may have noticed things way before, but Louis was the first one to actually come and talk to me. 

“You like him, don’t you?” He said with his thick accent. 

“Who?”

“Ashton.”

“Of course, he’s my friend.”

“No. I mean, you  _ like _ him.”

“What?! No!”

“Luke. I can tell.  _ I _ would know. And I don’t mind.”

I can still picture his blue eyes piercing mines. I didn’t say anything, but I knew my silence spoke volumes. 

“You got to know that they won’t like it. They will do everything to stop it. It will be tough. And you will never be able to make it public. Otherwise they would end your career. And we both know you don’t want that. Luckily nothing as slipped yet. So keep playing smart.”

“There’s nothing to be played.” I protested, then I added lower “I’m the only player in this game for two.”

“Just be careful.”

What he meant was more along the line of “your going to have to sell you soul to the devil if you really want to succeed”. Or well. Maybe not. But that the advice I would have given to myself. Because that’s what happened. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for today. I'll be back in a few days. I hope you enjoy this story so far and are interested in the next :)  
(Brw, larry if you squint)  
Lots of Love,   
Kassie <3


	4. #11 - #15

** #11 – Accidental**

My first kiss with Ashton was accidental. Well... “kiss”...

And … “accidental”...

We were cuddling, watching a movie, in a hotel room somewhere. I couldn’t tell you the name of the movie for my life. I was the least focused. All I cared about at this moment was the fact that Ashton’s arms were wrapped around me and I felt incredibly cosy and warm. I wouldn’t have move for anything in the world. yeah, I really wanted this to last forever. 

I was slowly accepting the fact that I had feelings for my bandmate. I was processing that I might want to be romantically involved with him, if not sexually. Although I wasn’t that far yet. But I acknowledged how I always wanted to be closed to him, physically close. And how I enjoyed the time we spent just the two of us, more than the rest. Yet, I still couldn’t find the confidence to tell anyone about it. 

I don’t exactly remember what was my chain of thought or the logic I found in it. But I thought I’d be better to test how Ahton felt about all that on his side, before anything grew too important. I thought it’d be easier to deal with the situation if nothing was to embedded yet. I got to admit it looked good on paper. 

Reality went down another way…

At some point when I was cuddling with Ashton, my heart beating like crazy, and my cheeks flushed beside my best efforts to relax, I gather up my courage and made this  _ absolutely accidental  _ movement of head to meet him halfway when he was moving too and so our lips got lightly pressed together. Okay, that’s the cringiest thing to say… You don’t see me but i’m dying in embarrassment writing this.

We parted right after, me half pretending to be a deer caught in headlights. I was really scared though. Ashton ducked his head down, scratching the back of head with the hand that he quickly removed off of me. 

“Hum… Sorry about that. Let’s just forget about it okay ?” he said.

Way to make this all awkward. Especially when we spent the rest of the night being very conscious of each other and keeping a good foot between us on the bed.

In my theory, the pang in my chest shouldn’t have hurt too much. But, truth be told, I was hurt much more than I thought. But I guess I could have deal with it, if the message had stayed this clear. But it didn’t. 

After a couple of days, all the tension was released, and Ashton started to initiate more physical contact with me, even if he always made it look only friendly. Small touches, cuddles when we were alone, kissed on top of my head, on my forehead, sometime on my cheek, often on my shoulders. 

How was I not supposed to fall even harder ?

** #12 – Carry On**

Ashton had always been very careful to me ever since that promise he made to my mother. He was always very attentive to my state of mind. It wasn’t hard for him to see that there was something bugging me. But not a tangible thing, something in my mind. It was harder for him to even consider that my problem had all to do with him. 

He tried to cheer me up more than once. I guess it work to some extent, but I was back to my moping the second he left my side. He probably grew lost and confused about what to do. But so was I. I didn’t know what I wanted neither. I wanted space and time. And I wanted to be glued to him 24/7.

I had a hard time talking to him about what really mattered while he was usually the one to hear my late night confessions. But, at the same time, up until then I had never written with him alone, just the two of us. There’s is something quite intimate in writing songs with someone. You have to be honest and transparent about your intentions, but as you usually write from you own experience and feelings, it’s a sort of confession too. 

“And it won't be long, won't be long, won't be long. You know it's gonna get better”

He sang to me somewhere down the california coast. 

“I got one foot in the golden life, one foot in the gutter. So close to the other side, so far from the wonder” I replied. 

And that’s how we wrote together for the first time. I don’t know if it made me feel any better. But it made a song. Well, not really a song. I like to call it a chant. Almost a prayer, indeed, as the lyrics goes. I don’t even know if it was any good. But it was important to me, and meaningful. So I wanted it on the album. I hope it became meaningful for a few others out there too. 

** #13 – Bryanna**

I guess things could have gone on for a while like that. Nothing particularly outstanding happened for a moment. I mean on my private life. Obviously on the professional side, we had known the highest of high. 

Things somehow fell into a routine. A sense of normalcy. As if anything in our lives were normal at this moment. And my relationship with Ashton was no exception. We kept the same attitude towards each other. The small touches. The hugs. And all the words and melodies I wrote trying to find a sense to my feelings. 

_ “I don't even like you / Why'd you want to go and make me feel this way? / I don't understand what's happened /I keep saying things I never say. I can feel you watching even when you're nowhere to be seen / I can feel you touching even when you're far away from me” _

_ “It's taking me over /I don't wanna play this game no more /All you gotta do is tell me right now / You want me right now, come on / Give me the green light / We could have all night / If you just say the words / Tell me it's alright / Give me the green light. You've got me where you want me / I'm hanging on your every word /It's such a twisted story /How you got me /Now you got me” _

Some days I was even starting to believe Ashton could reciprocate them, as messy as they were. 

But I was just fooling myself.

One day, he just told us he had a girlfriend. Like that. I guess I should have seen it coming. But I just saw what I wanted to see.. ignoring the rest as if it would make it disappear. 

Bryanna. I wanted to hate her. Just because she had what I could have. But she was… perfect. She was kind, sweet, smart and so beautiful. She was the most feminine girl I’ve ever seen. She was … making him smile. Smiles I thought I would be the only one to know. 

I tried not to cry. But I just hold it in at day time. And then spill my sorrow onto my pillow.

** #14 – The other first time**

I don’t even exactly know how or when I came enough on term with myself to decide it. But one night. I went to a bar, alone. A gay bar. No one seemed to recognized me which I was more than okay with. The music wasn’t the best and I was feeling uncomfortable, to say the least.

“First time?” a guy asked me. 

I nodded. 

He wasn’t bad. I guess. I didn’t held high expectations. I knew I wouldn’t find what I wanted. Cause ‘that’ was probably spending the night with a bikini model. 

Fuck him. 

I emptied my glass. The guy kept talking. I cut him short. Planting my lips on his. 

One thing lead to another. Quick, dirty and terrible.

He left his number. I never called him. I never went to that bar again. 

But it’s not like I could forget.

** #15 – Out loud**

Somehow Michael was the first one I talked to about this. Well not everything. But it just became too much and I couldn’t hold it in.

One day I broke down. And Michael was first to find me. So, like any friend would, he tried to make me talk.

“I tried with a guy.”

I confessed in a murmur. I didn’t want to face him. I was still crying. It was most likely ugly. I didn’t want him to see that. I didn’t want anyone to see me so low.

“Oh.” He paused, then chuckled. “I can’t say I’m so surprised or that I’ve never imagined you would.”

“…What?”

I looked at him, frowning. He smiled sweetly. “I’ve know you for a while. And I... just sensed it, I guess. And I don’t mind, you know.”

“Really…? It doesn’t change anything for you.”

“No, Luke. It doesn’t change anything at all.”

We hugged for a while and my tears dried. 

The second person I told was my mom, a couple days later. I don’t really know how but she had always seem to know exactly when to call me. Maybe that’s mother instinct, or something. Even if telling Michael had been stressful, saying it out loud to my mom was even worse. It’s not that I think she would reject me, even I still had this irrational fear in a corner of my mind. No, it’s more something like, she means so much to me, and I just don’t want to disappoint her in any way. Yeah, it’s more like feeling a higher pressure. 

“I … had… I had sex with a guy.”

“Oh.” She paused. That seemed to be a pattern. “Are you okay? Did you… use protection?”

“Mom!” I was blushing crazily on the other side of the line.

“What? It’s important.”

“We… It’s not like… Urg… We didn’t go all the way, and I don’t want to talk about it in further details with you.”

“Ok. I just want you to be safe.”

“Mom…” tears filled up my eyes again. “Thank you….”

“It’s okay baby. I love you no matter what.”

I don’t why I said the next thing, but I did. It felt like I should. 

“I’m not gay, mom.”

“… Okay.”

“Love you. Bye.”

And the light feeling that I got a few seconds before, was gone. My heart was all heavy again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this story! I personally really liked to wrote this part and the next one.   
What do you think about it ? :)  
Lots of Love,   
Kassie <3


	5. #16 - #20

** #16 – Arzaylea**

Thinking back about all this now, enlightens a couple of things I didn’t notice or understand back when I lived them.

For instance, I would have had huge trouble telling you why Arzaylea stand out so much to me, at this party we met. She was pretty, but not the prettiest. She was smart, but not the smartest. She wasn’t famous, she wasn’t especially kind, she wasn’t especially talented neither… 

But she was angry. And just as much as I was. At this point in our lives. We both hated the whole world, not sure of where or how we belonged in this society. 

I guess, in another form of analysis, she was everything that Ashton was not. She definitely treated me completely oppositely as he did. It was somewhat refreshing in a twisted ways. It was also a terrible idea. 

Ashton didn’t liked her, from the get go. Which only made me like her more. 

We started our relationship pretty quickly but it seemed very organic. It made me feel better for a while. Like I finally had something I could control in my life. Beside the fact that my feelings and my sexuality were almost constantly repressed, our whole career was sternly managed. Imposing the schedules for both private and professional lives, supervising the images we had and every words we said, restricting the people we could be associated with. I just wanted to know I still held control over  _ something _ .

I spat my venom out to the world, once or twice. Like this one time for RollingStone that made some noise. My mom called when she heard about it… We kind of fought about that. For once I wasn’t too concern about her scowl. Management was super mad too. And I was laughing my ass out on the inside.

I was very aware of all the drama that our relationship was causing. But like the angsty person I was back then, I loved it. Maybe you could say that it was me doing my teenage rebellion phase. Maybe it was something else. But I liked going against everyone's advice, just to piss them off. Just to feel a little better. Just to feel more alive. 

And less like a bug in a web.

** #17 – Another us**

We spent a few month getting to know each other a bit more and passing a lot of time together. One thing I knew from the beginning is that I wouldn’t spend my life with Arz. As much as I was into her, I couldn’t really picture us growing old together. I still grew very attached to her in a bizarre way. 

She was a good listener. Even tho that might seem strange to some of you. We did talk a lot, especially in the early days. In retrospect, I realise that it was mostly me, pouring my heart out, because I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on. She could hear me whine about everything and anything and she would never roll her eyes or lecture me. I’m pretty sure she was modeling her personality and image, so that it would fit better according the narrative she wanted to build… But it still felt good.

Yes, beside being a good listener, she was also quite manipulative. I’m still not sure now how much of that was actually intentional. But it was efficient. I was certain that she understood me better than anyone else in the world. Even better than the people who had shared the exact same life experiences than me, my bandmates. 

Thankfully, nobody asked me to choose between the two. I’m not saying I was blinded enough to make that terrible decision, but I would have probably done some damage, one way or another. Even Ashton, who had clearly shown his disapproval, still manage to deal with my new relationship and tried not to let it influence the rest, and the band in particular. The other two, Michael and Calum, kept it quiet, almost never making a comment. But some of their glances still skope for them. But I let it slide, cause I wasn’t one to go for conflict, especially with them. Maybe I would have been more resentful toward Ashton if he had make some sneaky comment -but he always acted openly and strangely civilly. I just had more to handle with him, and I still didn’t know how to. 

I tried to take a hold and my feeling and let them go. Turning the page once and for all. 

_ I got a long-term plan with short-term fixes / And a wasted heart that just eclipses /And I push my luck from trust to dust enough / That's the story of another us / One last ditch, a new beginning / So take this heart, put yourself in it / This surprise ending I'm depending on / Could be the story of another us _

_ Memories are pay-per-view, / It costs too much to think of you / I'm hanging by a thread _

_ And now before our hope is lost / My heart is here, it's such a cause / Tell me if you wanted it at all... _

I thought I could be okay with the idea that our story would never be the one that I wanted for us. We were drifting apart a little bit, being in relationship with girls and trying to build something out of it. We didn’t have the same proximity as we used to. I thought I could accommodate to that. 

I thought...

** #18 – All my wrongs**

In the first months of my relationship with Arzaylea we were crazily busy, writing, recording and promoting our new album just before going on another world tour. But we still got to spent quite a lot of time together. I was fascinated by how different she was from anything else I’ve known before. She was blunt and bold. But she was also a lot to handle, a bit moody and hard to decipher. 

One thing, that was becoming a pattern, was her dragging me into things I’ve never tried before. In theory there was nothing wrong with that. Getting some new experiment, going out of your comfort zone should be an interesting adventure to make with your loved ones. Except, she wasn’t the best influence and her typical fun thing to do often came with spending a lot of money, illegal stuff, physical or emotional hurt of someone, a lot of collateral damages, or a little bit of all the above. I know it sounds incredibly terrible when I word it this way. It’s not that she was into such extreme things. I guess we don’t really realise how much wrong we do when don’t feel right. Drugs, alcohol, escorts, sex, gossiping and blackmailing… None of that seemed so outrageous, in this media and showbusiness world of ours. But still, it just be normalised. 

It didn’t happen all that much. But all the things I listed happened once or twice. Sometimes, I would just watch, but sometime I would take part. Either way, I shouldn’t have. 

I was uncomfortable with all that. It was pretty clear to Arz that I’ve never done this kind of things before. And she never fail to sneak a comment about how inexperienced and naive I was. 

Overall, I’ve never really enjoyed it, but I let it happen.

Do I need to say I regret all of this? 

Well yes, I guess I need to say it. 

I regret it all.

And I’m sorry for all the people I’ve hurt indirectly or that I let got hurt along the way.

** #19 – Room 305**

Around nine months in our relationship, it started to be more rocky. Fans started to be more aggressive towards Arz. Rumours were spreading like wildfire. Cheating mostly. Both on her and my side. Unless, they weren’t just rumours. 

It was pretty strange because we never said we were exclusive but we both expected it from the other without applying it to ourselves. On my side even it was reassuring for a while to be with a girl, I wanted to keep investigated my attraction to men privately. So I had a few encounters, one night stands and guys met in bars. I’m quite convinced that Arz took a long time to figure out the people I was cheating on her with were men. But she wasn’t blind on the fact that I was cheating, even though it didn’t really felt that way for me. Obviously, I can’t complain that she did the same on her side. 

Despite all the bumps on the road we were still together. It was strangely as galvanising as it was discouraging. So when the new tour started she came to Japan with us. It didn’t went smoothly… Because I was with her, I came late to soundcheck. That disapproving look Calum sent me… It still gives me chills. I never went in a fight with Calum, he’s just not that guy. He’s not judgemental. So for him to react like that.. I got that it meant a lot. So I try to smooth things, and we had a fun time in japan, all of us. I guess... 

But then a few days later, I woke up in an empty hotel room. Arz had left earlier because she had her flight to the US to catch, while we were leaving for Shanghai a bit later. So I slept in. And when I woke up, I had this existential crisis all of a sudden. No spoiler here, I felt empty and low. I felt drained like all my vital forces were gone. Not knowing where I was and why I was there, questioning who I was and why I felt so lonely. I was internally begging for someone to cross the door and give me all the answers. But no one but yourself came give you this kind of answers. Except I didn’t know that back then, nor was I ready to accept that. 

Despite not being really useful at the time, it was the first time that I openly told myself I was not really okay. Not in the sense that something wasn’t right and I finally putting a finger on it. More like everything was wrong, and barely nothing felt at its place. It wasn’t that I was especially hurt by something or that I was broken-hearted. No I had everything that I wanted, touring the world with my friends, have a career I loved, I was in a rocky but valued relationship with someone I held feeling for, as confused as those feeling were. I was freaking lucky. But I wasn’t happy.

  
  


** #20 – Three side to a story**

When the Asian leg was done we shortly when back to the US, Where we were all getting our own houses and trying to settle properly to have this shelter you call home. But just a couple days later, while I was still trying to caught on the jet lag, Ashton came to my house and told me we were going to Sweden. 

I don’t exactly remember how he talked me into this, but I guess I complied and we went to Sweden. He said I needed some fresh air to rest for a few days aways from everything. And he wasn't wrong, so I thought maybe he did understand me better than I thought. Ashton was just on this sempiternal mission of looking after me he agreed on when he promised my mother. 

In sweden we only had one room with two large beds. And I remember it left me skeptical form the first second. I wondered why he wanted to be roomed with me. But I understood a bit later that he wanted to keep his eyes on me, make sure I wouldn’t sneak behind his back, go crazy, and do stupid shit. Also, he wanted to talk. 

I crashed on my bed, face first, and I was ready to sleep right away. But things didn’t go that way. 

“So?” Ashton mused from his bed.

“So what?”

“I don’t know. Is there anything you want to say?”

I resisted the urges to roll my eyes and sat on my bed, mirroring his position. 

“Why do I feel like there’s something  _ you _ want me to say?”

“Because there is.”

“Well I’m sorry but right now, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Well there’s a million things you could say... But you don’t talk to me anymore, Luke. I feel like you don’t really talk to anyone of us anymore. But you’ve been avoiding me especially for a long time now.”

I could hear in his voice that he genuinely care and worried for me. And that he was a bit hurt. That it costed him to be down to this. But I was just deaf to all that. I was blinded by my own anger and insecurity.

“What do you mean ‘avoiding you’?! We see each other every fucking day!”

“But you’re never fully there. Even back when you were writing the album, you kept avoiding the session when it was just us. And you even went solo for the writing of  _ ‘Story of another us’ _ . You didn’t even tell me about your girlfriend!”

“You didn’t tell me about your girlfriend neither!”

Right at this point we were both standing up and screaming at each other, pacing angry around the room in the need to released a bit of energy.

“We’re not even together anymore.”

“That’s also something you didn’t tell me!”

“I’m telling you now!”

“And I have a girlfriend, I’m telling you now! Is that what you want to hear?!”

“No!”

Ashton sighed. And said in what felt like a murmur “You didn’t tell me you like guys.”

I stopped in my track and felt an icy feeling washing over my body. “Who told you?” I asked drily.

“Micheal.”

“Can’t he just shut his mouth?!”

“I would have wanted to know, Luke.” He said as he walked slowly to me, but I refused to look at him, staring at the blank wall in front of me, letting him talk to my profile. I could hear the hurt in his voice, again. Stronger than before. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he pressed. 

“You know why.”

“No I don’t.” His voice was getting quieter and quieter, as he was getting closer and closer. 

“Yes you do.” There was still anger and determination, if not accusation in my voice. My eyebrows frowned together, to keep a certain facade. But I had lower my voice. And I even finally decided turn to him. 

“Tell me.” he whispered. 

He was so close now. So much that I didn't think..

And I smashed my lips against his. One hand behind his head to keep him close. It didn’t took him more than two seconds to respond. We were devouring each other. It felt like this was our only chance. Maybe it really was. 

We kept messily making out until we stumbled on a bed. Ashton pushed the fabric of my t-shirt up, so I got rid of it and rid of his. We put our hands on each other’s chest and back hungrily, almost like a fight but not quite.

I ground my hips on his, earning a moan out of it so I went on. Until I decided to press my hand there. And to undo his pants and mine. And to push all the fabric I could so that both our hard members were pressed together. And I kept moving my hand, my hips and my lips. Moved by an insatiable appetite, a burning fire consuming everything. 

I was left panting on top of him. His chest was rising and falling rapidly and when I looked up, I saw the shock in his eyes. 

“L-Luke.. I-I… I…”

I snorted. Shaking my head and getting up. 

I wiped my hand and abdomen quickly in the bathroom before coming back to my suitcase and grabbing the first shirt I could find. Ashton was slowly getting up

“I mean..”

_ I’m not gay. I don’t like guys. I’m not like you. I don’t like you this way. I shouldn’t have done that. I regret. _ Whatever he had to say, I didn’t want to hear it. 

“Yeah, whatever.” I cut in and slammed the door. 

It was the first time I really felt like I was cheating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arg... Suspense suspense ..? Let me know if you like this part!  
Next update on Tuesday !  
Lots of Love,  
Kassie <3


	6. #21 - #25

** #21 – Back to us**

I wanted to make sure to come back to the hotel only way later so that Ashton would be asleep. But of course he was waiting for me. He tried to called me, send a couple a text saying he was worried and he wanted me to come back. 

“Luke?” He asked right when I opened the door. 

“Yeah, it’s me. I’m back.”

“Good…! I-”

“I’m going to bed.” I said going straight to the bathroom. 

Which I regretted later because I had to go back to the room with only a towel wrapped around me as I didn’t plan this very well. I remember this so vividly. I was super embarrass, and crazily worried that Ashton would start to talk and that we would have this conversation with me in a towel. But actually Ashton was diligent enough not say anything. And really nothing happened. But this moment of tense silence really stayed with me. 

He didn’t say anything for a while actually. All the lights were off and we were both into our respective beds, my back turned to him. The silence was reigning. Until he said. 

“I just want my best friend back.”

And while it still stung, I couldn’t say that I didn’t see that coming. It hurt strangely less than I thought. I wasn’t sure if we would one day go back to how we were, but I still was ready to give it a try. 

** #22 – Steamy**

And trust me, I tried. I never wanted to screw our dynamic over, and drag the band down with that. We promised a long time ago: the band comes first, no matter what. So I did my best. But once again, Ashton was sending me mixed signals. He was friendly, protective, and thoughtful around me... Which wasn’t new per se. But I would have thought that he would be a bit uncomfortable, distant and conscious of his every move towards me. 

Worse. Sometimes I even found him to be flirty! I kept thinking that it was just in my mind, just what I wanted to see. I was torture for me.

Except…

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” he chained one morning, way too early for me. Ashton had even wanted us to be roomed together, even though I thought it would be his last wish. 

“Luke! Wake up!”

“hhuuumm”

“Luke! We’re leaving in 30 minutes, get up.”

I arduously open one eye to look at my phone and.. oh god! He was right. I got out of bed and got the bathroom when I found Ashton doing exactly the same thing.

“What are you doing?” he questioned

“Taking a shower.”

“No, I’m taking a shower.”

“But… I need it too.”

“Fuck…” he groaned. “Just get inside!”

And that’s how we ended up together under the shower. I was so embarrassed, I was probably redder than a tomato. I stood under the showerhead not knowing what to do with my hands, nor where to look. 

“Hey” Ashton whispered placing finger under my chin, guiding me to look at him in the eyes. I don’t know if we stared at each other my seconds of minutes. But next thing I knew, his lips were on mine, frantic, demanding and I loved it. 

I was gently pushed backwards, trapped between the cold tiled wall and a toned torrid body. My hard dick rubbed against his and I couldn’t help but moan in delight. 

“We gotta make this quick” Ashton painted on my lips. I nodded. He wrapped his large hand around both of our members. God bless his insanely large hands. Fuck..!

That day, we were late anyway.

** #23 – Bug in a web**

Later, the tour got us to Europe. I was always impressed by the density of cultures in there. In this part of the tour everything always changes really fast. Language. Climate. People. Food. Which just add more to swirling mess I felt I was living in. But it kept me busy and I actually had a great time. 

Touring through north america felt much more tiring. Arzaylea was much more around than in the EU and her presence seemed to tensed everything... especially Ashton. When we finally got to Australia it felt like I had been through a marathon. Going back home after a hundred show kinda had that same feeling as when you crash on your bed after a very long day. 

Taking a break was more than necessarily. I was so drained. You couldn’t get a single drop of creativity out of me. I don’t know if the other boys felt the same, if I influenced them or they just wanted to give me time, but in the end we all agreed that a pause was mandatory. It wasn’t too easy to negotiate this with our team but we let Ashton and Calum do the talk, and they did a good job. 

I went to my family and it was really nice to see them all. It was really heart warming. But then I introduced them to Arz. At first it was really good. They all seem to warm up to her slowly and we had some good times all together. But Arz was never too much of a family enthusiast, while my family like to be seen as close-knit. This difference kind of showed after a couple days, especially to my mom. 

“So it’s her, hu?” She asked me a night we were sitting at the back porch of the house. 

“Were you expecting someone else?”

“Well… you know, given what you said...”

“I said I wasn’t gay, mom.”

“Yeah…. And I’m fine with that. All that matter to me, is that you’re happy.”

I smiled, a bit tensed. 

“Thanks mom.”

“Does she make you happy?”

“She makes me…”

_ Happy. _ Is what I answered after a second of hesitation. I said it to convince my mother, to convince myself. But that one second of hesitation was the proof that no, she didn’t make me happy. 

She made me feel different. She made me feel better, sometimes. She dragged me away for the self pity and hopelessness I was drowning into. 

But it wasn't like she helping me get away from my problems. I was just running into other troubles.

I was starting to realised I was still a bug, just trapped in another web. Or maybe trapped in several webs.

** #24 – The end is not a dream**

Along the next few months, I started to feel like I was dividing into multiple version of me. Like there was one Luke for my family, then one Luke for the band, one Luke for Arz and even one for our management. But none of them was actually, completely, me. And, to make it even worse, it felt like the distance between those different versions was getting bigger and bigger. It was tearing me apart. To the point where I wasn’t sure anymore of who I was. 

And then, when I thought things couldn’t stay this way, I was proven right. Because everything shattered. 

All of a sudden there was this drama all over internet, proving that Arzaylea was cheating on me. It wasn’t the first time there were rumors. But this time, there was proof. At least enough for the public opinion to be settled. From then, honestly, there was not much to be done.

Was I hurt? Yes. Definitely. But not that much about the cheating. Because I was pretty aware of that. Even if I hated it. But as I wasn’t really any better than her on this topic, I let it happen, and just took it. But the way we split up was pretty brutal. I was lucid enough to know that there was nothing we could have done to fix it. The only option was to break up. But I wasn’t ready for how it all went down. 

Despite the situation, I still held a big amount of sympathy and complicated but very present feelings for Arz. I was resigned to my fate, but I was sad that this was the way we went down. When Arz came to my house, a few days after the drama exploded, she was stoic and stone cold. I was shocked to see her like that. It almost felt she was someone else. 

She dropped a bag on the floor. “This is your stuff. I’ll go and collect mine.”

I was too stunned to reply with anything. I thought we would hug goodbye and part ways on a semi-good note. But... she slammed the door.

I went to my room. I saw that her belongings were gone. It felt weird. I sat on my bed. And I broke. I cried for hours and hours. I refused to eat or to do anything, or even get out of the house, of my room, of my bed. I wanted nothing. 

What would have been a heartbreak, was actually morphing into a depression.

** #25 – It is weird?**

I felt so fucking stupid. 

I couldn’t even figured out if the ‘real’ her was the one I saw at my door glacial and scathing, or the one that I shared my life with before, complex but full of life. I couldn’t tell if she was lying to me this all time or if she was pulling a facade to make the separation easier. But I realised that if it was the latter, it wasn’t working. So maybe it was the former. And that was way worse.

I was tricked. I was fooled. I was played. 

And I did not realised. 

Never questioned it, not even once. 

But the absolute worst? 

I missed her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Lukey... Breaks my heart to imagine him feeling so bad.. :(  
Hope you enjoyed this part,  
Lots of Love,  
Kassie <3


	7. #26 - #30

** #26 – When I don't know myself**

I felt like I was watching the sun rise and set as if time was just a concept but not something I could feel anymore. At least for the few first days... Then Ashton showed up to my house. I had been silent for four days which was completely unusual. Last time we had talked was over the phone, just before Arzaylea came.

Obviously, he had an idea of why I was sad and not talkative. But I don't think he knew the extent of the damages.

"Hey" he said as he sad on the edge of my bed. I was facing the other way, curled up on myself, half buried under pillows and blanket while the temperature was already fairly high, but no matter the amount of fabric, I still felt cold and empty.

I didn't reply. I didn't know what to say. I didn't even want to see him, or to talk to him... or talk to anyone, actually.

After a few seconds of silent treatment he placed a hand on my shoulder, lightly pulling so I would turn his way. But I didn't want to. He didn't insist.

"Luke?" He asked with concern laced in his voice. "Man... Look at me, please..."

"N..." it was the first time I tried to speak in a day or two, and I had been crying most of the time, so my throat wasn't ready for that. The sound didn't come out as a word, more of a death rattle. I cleared my throat before trying again. "No. Just leave me alone."

"Dude, you've been alone for days..."

Another silence past. I heard Ashton shuffle on the bed, getting more comfortable it seems. "Look... I get that right now you don't seem to want to, but maybe you should talk about it. Keeping it all to yourself is not going to help... and actually it may even make things worse. I'm here for you, you know. You can talk to me."

I was thinking about it, really. But I just didn't know where to start. I don't know how much time actually passed, but only felt like seconds to me. Seconds that I remained silent. But suddenly, they were arms wrapped me.

And I broke. Again. For what felt like the millionth time this year. I started to cry big, hot, messy, ugly tears, like a 5 years old. But Ashton only hold me closer, making soothing movements and shushing me quietly.

"Calm down... it's gonna be okay..."

"She never loved me" I sobbed out then hiccuped a few time. "And I don't blame her."

"What are you talking about?" He asked, detaching all the words like it was the most ridiculous thing ever. "Of course, you deserve to be loved."

I huffed. In my mind. In reality I don't exactly know what sound came out but something is telling me it wasn't glorious.

"You don't know."

"I kn-"

"You don't know me."

"After all this time I think I do know you."

"How come? Cause I don't know who I am anymore."

Ashton stayed silent for a moment. When he spoke again, I could hear in his tone that he finally understood how deep my sorrow was, and that it would not take just a bit of cheering up after a bad break up.

"You'll figure out. And I'll be here, every step of the way. You don't have to know you who are right now, on the spot. Try to see who you want to be and try to tend to that, until you gain some answers."

"... So... fake it till you make it, that's your big plan?"

I was trying to me sarcastic, but actually, any advice was welcome at this time.

He chuckled. "Well yeah."

He stayed with me in bed for a while until he decided it was enough and forced me to get up, shower and go out.

** #27 – Someone to write your break up song about**

I was a bit surprise went Ashton asked me to go to Sweden with him again. I thought he didn't want to reiterate the experiment after what happened between us the previous time. Obviously, he claimed it was for writing and recording propose. And we did write and record. I guess, I would rather believe it was his only intentions. I didn't want to get my hopes up. But I couldn't help but wonder if there was a hidden message behind that.

Nevertheless, I was not in the mental place for anything to happen between us. So nothing did. Ashton kept taking care of me for the next couple of months. He came by every now and then, took me out to grab coffee whenever, texted me almost every hours of the day and night.

But he wasn't the only one who noticed the damages of the break up. Management was the first in line to try to control those. They gave me a call right after the break up but I was in no state to answer. So they left a voicemail. Then, they send me an e-mail. And after that that called again. When I finally picked up, they scold me with 'we told you so' and 'you should have known better' and all that crap. Exactly what I needed to hear... After that, they told me we needed to do something to fix my image, and to distance myself completely from Arzaylea, so that we would not be associated with all her drama anymore. I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes a hundred time throughout this conversation. In the end, they told me not to worry because they had a plan, and were already setting things up to "_fix everything_".

I don't know if it was because I was absolutely jaded at this point, or if hanging with Ashton this much actually gave me a bit of his clarity, but for the first time, I could see how much bullshit it was. Maybe it was just learning from experience. I've seen them doing this so many times! They have this sneaky way to present things in a light that make you feel like you need them, like you owe them everything. While to be honest, they are the ones who depend on us.

Beside my sudden lucidity, I still agreed on their PR plan. It wasn't too much to do, as they probably figured out I couldn't handle much. Just small dates, and being papped with other girls, often getting out of nightclubs. But not too many girls and no too close from each other, so that I wouldn't appear as a player, but just someone moving on.

And yes, I wanted to be this someone moving on. But it wasn't that easy. Thankfully Ashton hold to his word and was, indeed, with me every step of the way. I loved that we were growing closer after growing apart for a while. Our friendship did not go back to 'normal' or 'untensed', but we actually got closer, while I didn't think it was possible. Things between us finally felt very organic and easy. I loved that.

Even if he tried to keep me busy and distracted from my brooding, he still gave me time to be with myself. And surprisingly enough, my creativity quicked back after being so low. Although, the things I wrote were not very happy... But it was honest.. Or as honest as it could be, at least. It felt good to put in on paper. It helped letting things go.

_Thinking about you lots lately,_

_I'm so bad at letting go..._

_Thinking about you lots lately_

_You make it look so easy_

But at some point, I wasn't exactly sure what, or who, I was writing about. Despites the fact that I wished my feelings for Ashton to be gone... It's not just something you decide abritrately.

_You imagine when you close your eyes,_

_You're with me on the other side,_

_So why won't you love me?_

_I'm feeling so low, feeling lonely..._

_You look happy..._

_I ain't happy..._

_So if I ask you if you loved me,_

_hope you'll lie to me..._

** 28 – Fall from grace **

I had a bit of a hard time showing 'Lie to me' to the other guys for the first time. It felt like exposing my soul. Not that it was the first time I had to show them a personal song. But it felt like a major declaration. The song is not very explicit, and everybody thinks it's solely about Arz, while in reality it's a little more complicated.

I like the fact that it's not just about her. But, they weren't completely wrong, though. It was partially about her. And about how I wish Ashton would have rather lied to me that rejected me. How I hated that he could be with someone else while it just broke my heart even more but he looked so happy. How much Amnesia finally resonated with me, because I wished so bad I could erase all that because moving on was so hard. I like that this is not just about Arz, because I cant keep playing this song with all my heart and live the emotions without them being only associated with her, or the negativity around our history.

But all my fears were for nothing. The guys loved the song and we worked on it together and it became one of my best achievement so far. At some point I was even obsessed with it, I wanted it to be perfect, but I didn't know was that meant. I kept playing it over and over, with little variations that added up until they were just a blur and didn't sound like anything I wanted first. But I felt like I needed it, needed this song, as a statement, in order to move on.

Even if I was a bit oblivious, and I blame it on my lack of self confidence, I soon figured out that I wasn't the only one channeling my feelings through lyrics.

_Yeah, when the doors are all closing, it's bound to get loud_

_'Cause all these bodies are hoping to get addicted to sound_

_Oh, not everything is so primitive_

_Oh, but I'm giving in_

And then it became a battle of hidden and cryptic messages that turned out to be not that subtle actually.

Yeah I know what we did behind closed door. And I know you want to keep it secret. And I accepted it, because it seemed like it's the only thing that I can get.

_I've never seen you in the daylight. Cause you only ever wanna love me after midnight. But it's better than nothing_

_We got a whole night, won't you live it with me? Live it with me?_

_Surrender my everything cause you made me believe you're mine_

_But the emotional, is more than we can take..._

_Tell me what's on, on my mind, if this is it ? (love..?)_

_Every moment spent, I wish I was with you. And every night I slept, I dreamt I was with you. No matter where you go, you know I'd wait for you_

_I always believe in second chances, always believe in you_

_No matter where I go, i'm always gonna want you back_

_I won't break your heart again, I don't want to be monster among men_

_I woke up in japan..._

_...I'll meet you there_

Michael pretend to see nothing, but his knowing little smirks when he left the studio said a lot. Calum was a bit worn out by this mess. He was always worried about us, even if he never said it. Always afraid a match could crack and set the room on fire, if one word went wrong. It didn't, but I definitely understand why he thought that. I held a lot of feeling for Ashton, some that were sweet and hopeful, some that were angry and hurt.

In the end I let the former win. I couldn't help but see how much he cared. But that wasn't really new. And I wasn't sure if he would ever see me in another way, than this. His friend to protect.

** #29 – Make it easy**

Writing, recording, going out, even having those stupid stunt. It all help me to get myself back on track. Doing something of my days. Keeping my brain occupied. Going on tour, was the highest of it. It felt really good to be back on the road. Always moving, always surrounded by people.

Ashton started to be relaxed about my condition. I knew he was pretty stressed out by the situation even if he never said it. I felt a bit guilty and I really wanted to do something for him. It came in the form of a camera. He had always loved art and photography, but he never dive completely into it so I thought it could be a nice gesture to show him he didn't have to focus this much on me and could do something else. I never thought it would work so well! He was really happy about it. It also revived an old habit of taking pictures of each other. Well it was usually Ashton taking pictures of me, more than the other way around. I was never too confident about this, but strangely in the light of the recent events, I grew a bit fond of it.

Getting back to LA and back to the studio after the short tour we did, was a hard backlash. Coming back to an empty house was the worst. I couldn't sleep. I was constantly brought back to my dark thoughts. I felt restless, on the edge permanently. After two days I realised it couldn't go on this way. I was about to do something stupid like getting massively drunk, or doing drugs, or go to a club and have an undisclosed one-night stand (of one gender or another), or a little bit all that. Even if I knew it was a terrible idea, right then it was appealing, just for the sake of distraction. Thankfully, I didn't do any of that. Instead I knocked on Ashton's door at 2am.

"Luke?"

"I can't sleep at mine, can I spend the night?"

"Sure" he said questioningly.

Ashton has more than one guest rooms and they are all nice and cosy and all. But honestly the second I found myself on the threshold I realised it wasn't going to be any better than my own bedroom.

"uh... I don't want to be alone actually." I mumbled sheepishly, my eyes glued to the floor.

Ashton stayed silent for a couple of seconds, but I could still feel his gaze on me, going up and down my whole stature. He was pretty sleepy and unfocused until then, but suddenly he seemed to wake up.

"Alright. Come with me"

He put a hand on my back and guided me through the house even though I knew very well were his bedroom was.

"Here." He handed me a shirt and sweatpants. "The bathroom is all yours"

I changed contemplating my choice to come there... My heart was beating like crazy and I felt strangely numb but bold.

When I got back into the room, Ashton was sitting on his bed, scrolling on his phone lazily. The bed lamp was lighten, casting a gold hue on the room.

"Come here". Ashton said patting the other side of the bed. We both laid down side by side. I felt the need to say something. To explain. To justify.

"I'm sorry for coming here unannounced"

"Don't be silly, it doesn't matter."

"I feel so stupid though..."

"Hey. You said you didn't want to be alone. That's enough of a reason for me."

I let the words sink in for a second. Ashton was such a great guy. I knew he would never, ever, let me down. It hit me that I was just so lucky to have him by my side even if it was complicated sometimes. I launched forward and hugged him, throwing an arm around his middle. "Thank you."

He snaked his arm from under to go around my frame, holding me close, and placed a kiss on top of my head. It had been a while you haven't been this close and comfortable physically. We stayed like this for a moment, letting me collect myself. I drummed my fingers on his chest while he played with my hair abstractedly.

"Does it bother you?" I asked all of sudden.

"What?"

"My longer hair." I started "My painted nails. My pattern shirt.... You know."

"Why would it bother me? You look really good no matter what you wear. And if it make you more comfortable or confident, I am a hundred percent with you."

"But... Isn't it ... like .. too gay?"

"What are talking about?! It's fashion, that's all it is. And if anyone think different: screw them."

I huffed. "You know it's not that easy."

"I know. But let's make it easy for once."

"... Okay."

** #30 – I can't stay without hopping**

Spending the night with Ashton was.. unusual. I kept waking up, gasping in realisation that I was sleeping with him, his arms around me. And a few seconds later I snuggled closer to him because that could be my one and only chance to enjoy this. It was definitely different than sleeping with a girl. I never actually spend the night with my male one-night stands. I did sleep with the other guys in the band before but never this close and... intimate?

When the sun rose, I slowly opened my eyes, taking in this house that wasn't mine, the room that wasn't mine and this bed that wasn't mine. And I had this feeling of ... belonging.

"Hey" greeted Ashton with his husky morning voice.

"Hey"

"Sleep well?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yep"

We stayed in bed, silent but comfortable, pretty much like we were before we fell asleep.

"I don't really want to go home..."

"You can stay as long as you want."

"I may stay a really long time"

"I don't mind. Actually that would be nice. Living together."

"You sure?"

"Only if you want to"

"I want to."

Maybe I should have thought about that for a longer time. But in retrospect I would still want to make the same choice. I don't regret it at all.

Even if that made my hope rose up way too high. Even if it would hurt later too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for today! :)  
Next update on Friday, the end on Saturday (if everything goes right... ahah ^^' )  
Hope you liked it!   
Lots of Love,   
Kassies <3


	8. #31 - #35

** #31 – Whose cigarettes will I find?**

Living with Ashton was amazing. We did a tone of stuff together. He made me laugh like no one else. I was the happiest I had been in a really long, long time. We fell in the habit of sleeping together every night. Nothing more than cuddles, small touches and kisses on my head or shoulders happened. Not that I complained though. I found myself content with just that. 

At least as long as I thought there was no one else but me who got to be this close of him. But how foolish of me to believe such a thing. Of course, me living with him didn't stop him from sleeping around.

Even if we spend a lot of time together, we both knew we needed some time on our own too. Otherwise it would have been smothering for both of us. So when he said he was going out with some friends. I just thought it was exactly what he said. But he came in bed in just before the crack of dawn, with a fruity perfume on his skin and a hickey on his neck, I knew it wasn't.

I can't lie and say that it didn't affect me. It did. I found a bit of comfort in the fact that he always came back to me and never fully spent the night elsewhere. But truth be told, it wasn't a great help. I didn't know how to handle my emotions as I was in no right to ask for more than he already gave me.

But before I could reach the limit of my tolerance, management got into our business.

** #32 – This would never work**

It all started simply. We did a livestream from our car, stuck in the traffic jam around LA, Ashton, Calum and I. We were just talking and interacting a bit the fans, hyping our next record, when Ashton casually mentioned that we were living together now. Neither of us thought it would be a big deal. But none of us was our management.

We got a call later than night, when we were back to Ashton's house -our house? Home?. First they immediately asked me to move out and then gave me an appointment, alone, around a week and a half later. Both Ashton and I were a bit stunned when they hung up on us. 

"What's their fucking problem?" Ashton groaned. 

I was pretty sure that their problem was my sexual orientation. But they couldn't word it this way. I was pretty sure they didn't see with a good eye the way our relationship was evolving. But they didn't know that nothing was actually going on, even though I, personally, would have wished.

When I went to the appointment I learnt that their problem wasn’t so much about my relationship with Ashton, but more about the fact that I was going against the narrative they were trying to built for me. They wanted to set me on a fake stable, long term relationship very soon to definievely erase the memories of Arz. And that couldn’t be done if I was living glued to Ashton. Which I understood, though, I hated. 

I was packing my stuff when Ashton got home. 

“What are you doing?”

“Leaving….” I smiled sadly. “Management’s request.”

"What..?"

I saw his expression changing from surprise to anger in a blink. The way he clenched his jaw, the way all of his body was stiff, the way eyes stared to glare.. right at me. 

“Oh yeah… and you just accepted?!” he accused, loud but not screaming, clear and strong.

“Well… I don’t really have a choice…”

“Right. You can never say no. Poor little thing can never stand up for himself?!”

“Ash…!”

“Unless that’s what you wanted? Then just fucking go!”

“That’s not what I wanted!”

“But that’s was you do! You keep being their obedient little bitch!”

I’ve seen Ashton being angry before, but rarely at me, and never, ever, insulting. A second of silenced passed. 

“If that’s what you think, I guess I should really go.”

“Yeah. That’s it.”

He turned his back on me and left the room. 

I packed the rest of my things and left the house.

** #33 – Catch a cold**

We didn’t speak for two weeks. Which was the longest we’ve ever avoided each other. Calum and Michael obviously noticed and tried to make us make up. But for once, I completely refused to be the one to make the first move towards peace. I felt like I had, almost, nothing to reproach myself. And I was hurt. Like crazy. 

Ashton had been so important to me lately, making me feel better and helping me rebuild myself. So being hurt by him precisely felt terribly painful. Even if I’m not usually one to go for conflict, I was angry, like a was rarely. I moped for a few days, then decided to live my life. 

Maybe it was a form of pueril revenge, but I even took part on promoting this new PR plan with Sierra. I didn’t know at first that is was her I was supposed to play couple with. I thought it was bad idea at first. But they convinced me, saying it would be easier with someone I already knew and was friend with, and more believable too. And they also said it was her idea. In a way she volunteered. I felt a little wierden by that, but i understood her career needed a boost too, since a break up with her ex. We were somewhat in the same situation. She was doing a lot more than me for the PR, which, was for the best, first because I didn’t really like doing this, and second because I was very awkward when things weren’t completely natural. Yep, even all those years of media training didn’t learn me how to lie and improvised good enough. 

With all that I felt very relieved that the holidays had come. Going back to Australia and spending sometime with my family really helped me feeling better. I felt like I had gone a long way since my depression and that I was ready for a new era. Finally. 

Except. Things were still bad with Ashton. 

“There’s something on your mind, right?” My mom asked me just a couple days before I’d return to LA. 

I sighed. “Well I had this big fight with Ashton and I’m supposed to meet him for his new year eve party, but I don’t know, it’s gonna be so awkward…”

“You guys fought? It’s pretty rare…”

“Yeah… It’s just… He said some really harsh things.”

“To you?... I thought he was better educated than that!” she scowled in her disappointed mother voice. 

“Mom…” I chuckled. 

“I swear I would have few words to tell him!” she went on, but after a moment later she came back to her regular voice. “I don’t think there is anything you guys can’t overcome. You should just put everything on the table and talk openly.”

“Yeah.. I guess you’re right.”

“I’m alway right. I’m your mom.” 

** #34 – Glitter everywhere**

When I went back to LA, I had the same knot in my stomach that I had for every first day of school. I really didn’t want to face Ashton, and I was very afraid not be up to it, but I knew I had to. So I went to his house, unannounced and way before the hour of the party. He looked surprised and an uncomfortable. Good. 

“Can we talk?” I said. 

“Sure.”

He welcomed me inside. I just crossed my arms and look at him, waiting for him to say anything. Yes, I prepared. 

“I’m sorry man.” Ashton finally apologised. “I’m so sorry for what I said. I was just... I was upset. And I didn’t want you to leave.” 

I uncrossed my arms. 

“You know, I had fun with you. I liked it when you lived with me. And I was mad after management, because they’re just  _ so  _ controlling. But you know that better than anyone. I shouldn’t have took it out on you. You did good.”

I sighed. “I’m not too sure about that. Even if you said it way more harshly than you should have… I guess part of it was true. Sometimes I’m bit of a coward, saying yes because that's just easy and I’m too afraid of confrontation.”

“What? No! Come on, you’re not a coward. Don’t say that.”

“Whatever. I don’t regret what I did. It was for the band. I’ll always put that first.”

“I know…”

I took a step toward him. 

“I had a great time living with you too. And I’m gonna miss that.”

He took a step toward me. We were close, very close. Closer than friends. 

“I’m gonna miss falling asleep next to you.” he whispered. “I’m gonna miss waking up with you in my arms. Actually, I already miss that. God I missed you so much”

His forehead was against mine. His hands were cupping my face. My arms were wrapped around his waist. And then we kissed. Again and again and again. Catching up from the time we wasted.

The party was incredible. I think I smiled so much my cheeks ended up hurting. I had an amazing time with crazy people. 

At dawn when the party had died and everybody had left or crashed somewhere, Ashton took my hand and lead me to his room. At dawn we made love for the first time. Sweet, slow and passionate. The dim sunlight rays filtering in the room made all the glitter from the party shine. On our skins. On our sheets. It really felt like daydream.

** #35 – Not a couple**

I thought we finally had started this relationship I was longing for since so long. Ashton and I. Lashton. Together for good. How naïve of me. Ashton was really not on the same page, it seemed. Even if it took me a bit of time to figure it out, I eventually discover that he was still fooling around with girls. Not that he was hiding though. 

I guess, once again. We only see what we want to see. 

“Yeah so what?”

“You fucked her?!”

“Yes Luke! Why do you care.”

“B-Because…!” but despite everything that had happened between us… I couldn’t word it. I couldn’t confess now. When he was seeing someone else so shamelessly. 

“Listen.” he stated. “We are not a couple.”

He planted his eyes right into mine. And he planted a dagger into my heart. 

“We haves good times. We fuck. But that’s it. It’s not like we’re dating.” 

The disgust in his voice saying the last word, was the worst. How foolish could have I been. Of course he didn’t want to be with me. Why did I even believe it ? It’s not like he had confessed or anything.

“Right...” I mumbled. 

How many times could he break my heart…? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought it as going to be ok? Nope. This story is just endless push and pull....  
See you for the next chapter  
Lots of love,   
Kassie <3


	9. #36 - #40

** #36 – The weirdest**

5sos3 tour, was the weirdest tour of my entire existence. First because it was the first time we did a promotion tour. But it was mostly bizarre, because of everything going on with Ashton at the time. He didn’t seem to notice how much he had hurt me just before we went on tour. Or at least, he didn’t figured out until he tried something. 

I thought that we were done for this side of our relationship. But for Ashton we could still ‘fool around and have good times’. But I didn’t want that. So I started, for what seem to be the first time, to tell Ashton no. 

He seemed to be surprised, if not disappointed but I kept my position. Except, his drunken self had a tendency to forget all that and come back even more enterprising and flirty. 

I tried my best to keep my distance with him though. Because I felt tired of being hurt by him. But… I did had a few wrongdoing… When I was myself drunk and less resistant to Ashton’s charm, or whatever… 

There’s this crazy time where it was me, ashton and a girl… So i guess…. “menage à trois”..? Also it didn’t get too far. 

Before spending time with Ashton, being close to him, would always leave be uplifted and optimist. But at this time, it left me drained and guilty. 

It didn’t felt right. It really didn’t feel right.

** #37 – Not Serious about Serious**

Management had a plan for the release of our third record. They set the bar pretty high as they wanted it to debut at number 1 like our previous two records. Expect we had taken quite a long break, the promo tour was supposed to bring us back to the front and to make the fandom more active if not in effervescence for the release day. They had also plan on a PR stunt for me and Sierra to create a bit of drama. Because I guess even bad publicity, is still publicity.... 

So my couple with Sierra became official. But that wasn’t really just all there was to it. Sierra wasn’t oblivious of my behaviour change. She asked me if I was seeing anyone. I said no. Then she smiled. I can’t deny that she has a nice smile…

“Then, maybe.. I mean we could… If you want to only… we could really try.. ? I mean you an I? like… like a couple?”

She shuttered, and blushed. Didn’t dare to look at me in the eyes. Kept fidgeting with her fingers and rings. I thought she was cute. She seem sincere. It felt nice to receive this kind of attention from someone who doesn’t think they have you in the palm of their hand, and that they can make you do whatever they want. 

So I said yes. 

Ashton was cynical about this. At first. 

“Aw.. So you guys are official. Congrats man!” he laughed bitterly. 

“Yes, we are.” I stated unamused.

“What was that?” Ashton questioned after sending me quick glance. He knew how to read me best. He knew right away something was up. 

“We decided to actually give it a chance.”

“What?! Man… You gotta be kidding me.”

“No. Why?”

“But…” He seemed to be at lost of words. “Do you even have feelings for her?”

I have to say... I was selfishly looking forward for that. For the moment when I would finally feel like I have the upper and in our twisted and complicated relationship. I was stone cold, with a smirk spreading widely in my head.

I scoffed. “Well, that would be the first time you actually care about my feelings.”

I stood up and left the room. We were at the studio. But down the hallway he catch up to me. 

“Luke listen..I..”

“In all honesty why do you care? You have you own commitment to care about.. With Kaykay. Unless you’re back to Nahla? Or whatever girls you also don’t have feeling for. So why do you care if I’m with Sierra?”

Ashton just stood there, not able to say a word. So I went on.

“But you know, I won’t do to her what you did to me. I won’t toy her. I’m serious.”

“So… It’s over?” he muttered after a while.

“But when did it started? Remember: ‘We are not a couple’.”

** #38 – Run away from me and I will follow you**

I should have felt right. Getting away from Ashton’s grip. Earning my complete freedom back. Becoming more assertive and confident in myself. It should have felt great. 

But something was off. And it felt more bittersweet. Like I was treading one devil for another. I still wasn’t really happy with my personal life. My love life. Sierra was still my friend, and it was more than hard for me see her otherwise. And despite my best efforts, it showed somewhere where I wasn’t hard at all. That lead to a few… or maybe a bit more.. arguments between us. 

On the other hand. Ashton was never as charming, supportive and subtly flirty than when I pushed him away. He was especially attentioned during Meet You There tour. It also showed in the way he kept himself together much better. He was back on his ‘mom of the group’ mission, and on his healthy guy routine. 

Tough one thing was still there for sure… His sass. The way he kept shading Sierra, not so subtly, got up to the point that our management had to intervene. They used his social media account to post some cute comment under my girlfriend’s post. But they were quite over the top as well. Ashton was pissed at that and even posted himself even worse, even more over the top comments to make sure everybody knew it wasn’t his actual opinion. I just laughed my ass off. 

Sierra wasn’t too pleased on her side. And I guess I should have taken her side and defend her. But… I couldn’t help but giggle… And stare fondly at Ashton when he wasn’t looking. 

And from the videos, I know the other way around was true too. 

** #39 – Dirty Little Secret**

The tour ended. Holidays begun. I was back to Australia with my family. Sierra tagged along as well and our schedule was now tightly monitor by our management. I wasn’t really fond of the idea, as I would have wanted some time to be just by myself. 

As of often, words of wisdom came from my mother. 

“You look great you know? I mean in general, when you come back after touring, you’re usually tired and all. But right now, you look fresh, full of energy. And I have to say, much more smiley than the few last time a saw you. I mean… It just looks like you’ve found yourself.”

“Thanks mom.” I started but she wasn’t over. 

“And Sierra seems like a nice girl too. A nice  _ woman _ I should say, right? You’re not kids anymore.”

“Yeah…” He trailed off. What was her point?

“All in all. You just look in love.”

I couldn’t help but snap by head at her in surprise. And I was even more wide-eyed when she started to laughed right after. 

“But not with her, honey.” she winked. 

I’m pretty sure I was redder than ever. But as if nothing happened, she switched the topic and kept talking about random stuff as ‘Bridget Jones Diary’ was playing on TV.

It took me a few more days. But eventually, I realised that she was right. I was still in love with Ashton. And I felt my heart beating like a stupid teenager with a crush everytime he did something vaguely romantic for me. I kept writing songs about push and pull love stories, just because that was my life long story with Ashton. And I wasn’t done with it. Even if I wanted to persuade myself I was. My feelings were still there. And after this long, I could tell there weren’t getting away any soon. 

I don’t know how Ashton knew it was the right moment. But a few weeks after I came back from holidays, he invited me over, saying I should wear something nice. When I endered, candlelight diner for two was set on the table, Ashton was in a fancy button-up and a deep red rose stood in his hand. He sheepishly gave it to me and invited me to sit down.

Maybe it was cliché. Maybe it was over the top. Maybe it was ridiculous. But the only thing I knew was that it was perfect. 

When time for dessert had come, it felt like it was time for serious talk. Even if we had spent a delight full night so far, I couldn’t handle to be let on another time. I needed to be sure.

“Ashton, I don’t know for sure what you’re trying to do right now. But I need you to know that I don’t wanna be your dirty little secret anymore.” I took a deep breath. “I want to be with you. I really do. But not like we’ve been before. I don’t want you only after midnight. I don’t want to share you. I don’t want you to play with me, or to be undecided or uncommitted. I want something different.”

I saw the way Ashton’s Adam apple bobbed when he swallowed down. At least he was nervous too.

“I’m so sorry for everything I did to you.” He said, plain and sincere, looking at me right in the eyes. “I did so many stupid things and I hurt you way too many times. I feel so lucky that you accepted to be here tonight. I feel like you’ve given me already so many chances. And until I lost you, I hadn’t realised. I don’t want it be an excuse but. I was difficult for me to deal with the fact that I’m attracted to you. My bandmate, my best friend, and … a guy.” He paused and smiled sadly, shaking his head a little. “I know that’s sounds a bit hypocritical from me, who’s always so loud about tolerance, acceptance and everything. I figured it’s easy to give advice and way harder to actually apply them so yourself. Also… I don’t like guys. I just like you. You’re my only exception my heterosexuality. And it freaked me out. For a long time I tried to hide it. Then I lied to myself a lot. But in the end. It’s you. Just you. And only you.”

Ashton took my hand on the table and made his thumb rub circles on it gently. 

“I don’t want to make the same mistake ever again. This time. I’m serious. And.. I want us to be a couple.” 

I smiled. It felt like I had waited all my life to hear those words. And finally stars were aligned. We cuddled. We kissed. We made love. Ashton was so careful to me. I could feel the way he wanted to apologies, but also knew that words were just words, if he didn’t act to make it up to me. I really left loved. And complete. And happy. It was the best night of my life. 

So was super afraid of waking up and figuring out this was just a dream. But I woke up, next to Ashton. He was already up, dragging his fingertips along my shoulder. 

It was real. Very real.

It was still real the next morning. And the on after. And so on.

Even if it was sudden, unexpected and all. 

It was real.

** #40 – Love me like you did**

“I’m gay.”, I blunty said about a month and a half later

Ashton chuckled, as he lead his fingers roam the back of my shoulders. My head was laying on his chest, our legs were tangled together. Morning light was bathing the room of its rosy color.

“Yeah, I figured.” he joked. 

“No… I mean… Yesterday, you said you weren’t attracted to guys, but just me. Right?” Ashton hummed in agreement. “Well… I think I’m not attracted to girls. Not sexually at least. Maybe I could still build a romance, but it just physically don’t work. Although… That frightened me for a long time too. I didn't really want to admit it. But I guess now is the time to say it out loud. I’m gay.” 

It felt a big weight was taken off my shoulder. It felt good to be able to put words on my identify and be able to define myself. It felt taking control. 

“Thanks for telling me.” Ashton said softly, and I knew it definitely didn’t change anything for him. And from my past couple years of struggle I knew the most important people in my life would probably react just the same way. Calum. Micheal. My mother. My family. I knew they would understand.

“I’ve been thinking though.” I spoke up after a minute of comfortable silence.

“Yeah?”

“I’d like to really come out.”

I felt the way Ashton’s body tensed. “You sure?”

“I’m sure that I want it. But I know that I can’t do that without dragging you, and the band, into in as well. And I don’t know if I can actually ask you this.”

He stayed silent for a while and I understood. I was asking him a lot. Maybe that was a bit unfair of me to ask him this at that precise moment. I knew he still felt guilty and was still trying to make an extra effort to please me and win me back. But I also needed to be sure this time he was serious and was ready to take risk in order to make this work. 

About a week later, we gathered the band for an informal meeting. Ashton took my hand under the table smoothing circle into my skin. He smiled broadly at our two other bandmates. 

“We’re together.” He announced without further ceremony. I chuckled and blush. We had kept it between us at first to give ourselves the time to settle down and test things out. 

“Way to be blunt” I rolled my eyes, smiled nevertheless.

“Sorry….” he took a deep breath and started again, while Calum and Michael were still processing the new. “Guys, Luke and I have a big announcement to make, and we know it’s gonna be surprising for you, but we’re together now.” He turned his head to look at me, an hopeful expression all over his features. “Better?” he questioned.

I laughed again, but nodded and pressed a small peck on his lips.

“Hum….” started Mike scratching the back of his head, in what look like an attempt to mask his emotions. “I can’t say I didn’t see it coming, I guess… But you know… It’s kinda weird for the moment. Although I’m really happy for you, if you’re happy too.”

“I’m happy” I confirm, smiling. 

“I’m happy, too” Ashton assured. 

We spent the rest of the afternoon sharing a lot of thing that we should have talk about way sooner. We clear a lot of air, and it felt like a new beginning was awaiting for us. It’s when I ask about my idea to come out. As you’ve probably guessed by now, we all agreed on dismissing all our secrets and taboos as they’ve been poisoning us for way too long already. 

Also had to talk with Sierra about all this. It wasn’t the easier nor the nicest conversation I’ve ever had. But it was needed. And after that I felt like I could be proud of the direction my life was now taking.

I looked up at ashton next no me. And I felt peaceful, comfortable, and … at home. 

“I love you” I said without really thinking about it.

“Luke……” He groaned. 

I felt all my blood draining for a split second. 

“I really wanted to say it first!” he protested.

I laughed. This idiot. 

“Too late!” I poke my tongue at him. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” he started to chant, peppering kisses all over my face. 

I couldn’t stop from smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well well... You do you think ?  
Final Chapter will be updated tomorrow.  
Lots of Love,  
Kassie <3


	10. Love stories don't usually end hapilly

** Love stories don’t usually end happily**

Those past years were… I guess full of emotions. Putting all this on paper, and then out to the words is a whole process in it self. The point is not to be shamelessly exhibitionist about our lives. The aim is to be honest, once and for all. And by doing this, by own our -or maybe just mine- actions, choices, wrong and rights, it’s a way to reconnect with myself, to make my own history. And to be free to tell where it’s going now, liberated from the weight of those secrets. 

We’re at a turning point now. A new era for the band. But it’s not only the music that will be different; everything will. New label, new management (well not at the time I’m writing, but once it’s published, which they don’t even know about, I’m pretty sure we’ll cut all ties), new team around us. And everything will now be more transparent to you, the fans.

But, as much as I would like it to be enough to make sure the future will be bright, it’s not. It’s not only up to me. I know I’m taking a big risk, not only for my own person, but for all my love ones, by saying all the things I’m telling in this book. But it’s up to you to decide if this risk was for the best or for the worst. I hope you’ll appreciate the honesty I forced myself to be committed to through all of my storytelling. You have me in the palm of your hand. And so much more. But I trust you. 

I heard in some country that “love stories don’t usually end happily”… 

but tell me… 

...do they?

_ The end._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry with the delay. I got caught up with unplanned events!  
Anyway, this is the end! I hope you like it. It was quite a challenge to write, because it had to follow up the real event which was completely new to me. Also I really wanted to feel like it was coming from Luke and I hope it worked :)  
I'll be back in a while with surrender part 2! (yep, it's still planning ahah, sorry it's taking forever... T-T)  
Lots of Love,  
Kassie <3

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
I'm back with a new story. This a conon compliant retrospective of 5sos -and lashton- story through the years from Luke 2018/2019 POV. Hope it's not too confusing and that you'll like it :)  
I'll update every few days, as this story is quite short and fully written already  
Lots of love,  
Kassie <3


End file.
